Overweight and Out of Shape? Blame Coach Yelsenspitz

If you have ever participated in sports at any level you are likely familiar with Coach Yelsenspitz.  Yelsenspitz is the highly qualified dad who responded last to the e-mail thread and was named head coach of your team.  He draws on his vast array of experience including: watching Disney sports movies, watching professional sporting events while under the influence of domestic beer, and being named most improved player on his junior varsity team.  His vague but ambitious goals for the team of 12 year-old football players look something like:

  1. Win every regular season game.
  2. Win Conference.
  3. Win State.
  4. Win EVERYTHING!

I think we can agree this is a bit unrealistic.  But if you lost, oh if you lost, Coach Yelsenspitz paced around with a stern look on his face, shaking his head.  Pausing, he would look up at the team with the same expression one might expect to see after France was overrun by, well, any number of organizations, and express his deep and lasting “disappointment in you men.”  The next day at practice would be awful.  There would be significant levels of running.  Little Johnny Quarterback, who we were pretty sure broke at least two major bones during the last game, would be limping around trying not to cry with Coach Yelsensptitz asking everyone “Why can’t we be more like Johnny?!  Johnny is a WINNER!”  The lesson learned: The process SUCKS and the outcome is the only thing that matters.

Fast forward 20 years.  You want to lose 30 pounds.  Okay, first of all, no one wants to lose 30 pounds.  Let’s call it what it is: you want to look better naked.  You have decided to do the “Cross-Hammer Beach Fuel 8-Week Diet for Exercise and Suffering.”  According to this program you will lose 15 pounds in 8 weeks and all you have to do is drink VERY expensive fitness sludge (sold to you by your trainer, of course) 2x a day, eat broccoli, chicken breast and rice for dinner and workout 90 minutes 6 times a week with the intensity of a crazed wolverine.  But hey!  We learned from Coach Yelsenspitz if you want to be a “WINNER” there are to be high levels of suffering, so off you go with your trainer prodding you on with encouraging platitudes and fitness phrases.  Some people make it 8 weeks.  A few make the ultimate goal and their picture is proudly displayed on a website.  Not YOUR picture, of course.  You did not make the goal.  You lost.  And your Yelsenspitz-like trainer frowns disapprovingly at you, shaking her head, expressing her “disappointment in your effort.”

“SCREW THIS!” You exclaim while devouring a box of donuts.

Next time consider a processed-oriented approach.  Find a process for improving your naked body you can embrace, ultimately leading to a positive outcome.  Yes, they exist.  Set goals for things you can control like established eating windows, realistic food choices and levels of exercise your body can maintain long-term.  This way, even if the weight is slow to come off, you are able to push on and focus on things you can control.  Leave your thoughts and comments below and please pass this along to someone you think might enjoy it.

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